Challenges yet to face
I’m ransacking my closet and throwing everything in a huge bag – dresses, shoes, fishnets, scads of jewelry. I’m practicing more than ever, trying to polish my routines and make them better. I’m making plans with my ballroom buddies, dinners and logistics.
What time is it? It’s ballroom competition time!
Like a lot of amateur dancers, and very much like my protagonist Ava from the Steps Between Us, I have a love-hate relationship with comps. On one hand, it’s really what we prepare for all year long. Comps are the ultimate progress meter. They are THE see-and-be-seen events. “Anyone who is anyone will be there.” Students who can see steady improvement will naturally be motivated to come back for more. They will win rightful kudos for their discipline. They win the medals, trophies, and scholarship checks. For those whose progress has gone steadily up, comps are validation, along with a lot of fun. Sometimes there’s even a gala.
For those of us who struggle with comps, on the other hand, the picture is mixed. What I love about comps: the excitement of preparation, having hair and makeup done, swishing around the hotel wearing my ballgowns, hanging out with my friends. Especially the last item!
What I hate about comps? The nerves, the egotism. The pointless fights with my teacher. The judges with their clipboards. Not the judges personally. They are always very nice. In fact, they are absolutely serene with nothing to prove and are therefore cheerful and kind, despite presumably sore feet from standing in one spot for hours on end.
What I don’t love is the judging. It’s why they call it a competition, of course, but being judged in this venue sends me to pieces. I’ve struggled with my results, just as Ava does in the book. No amateur performs to their highest ability at a comp – adrenaline poisoning is real. But I’ve struggled particularly to keep my concentration where it should be – in my body as opposed to focusing on the outcome I’m trying desperately to achieve.
Years of ballroom mindset coaching have taught me I am the only person who can make me feel bad about my results, that I alone decide what my results mean. That sounds right intellectually but in practice, I can’t make myself believe the results don’t matter, or don’t matter for me. And that puts into place just the kind of downward spiral that would make someone quit comps if not ballroom altogether. It really is hard to line up in the last-place spot, which is the custom for scholarship events. (Everyone also shakes hands and offers congratulations, which is jarring to say the least if you come in last.) I’ve been in that spot many times. I think you’d have to be a Buddhist not to mind that one. My old dance demons – in this case, identical to Ava’s – rear up and prevent me from doing my best. Comps inevitably make me feel separate and apart from my friends, like winning is a nut I just can’t crack where everyone else can.
But I don’t want to quit. So, Imi and I trying something different this time. I like to think of it as beating the system. I am signed up this time for “proficiency” judging only. That means I really am competing only against myself and will receive marks based on a percentage of how well I executed the step vs. the benchmark. No standing around for the awards ceremony. No lining up in last place. No medals or checks, either. I’m not sure at this point if proficiency judging will make me feel worse or better. Maybe it’s a mistake. My mindset coach feels the universe continues to challenge you until you affirmatively conquer your demons. We’ll see about that.
I’m going to try proficiency. I’ll report back on how it goes. In the meantime, I can’t wait to spend time with my friends.
